How often do you see kids all huddled in groups but not talking, heads down, engrossed in their games? How often do our kids try and tell us something but we’re just in the middle of something?

This isn’t to shame anyone. Times change.

Phones and tablets are useful and have their place. I’m certainly not averse to throwing the iPad in the direction of my little human if I need to concentrate on some stuff, AND I am working on being a better listener to her when she comes to me. These are snap decisions we face day in, day out. So there’s zero judgement from me.

But listening brings benefits. It strengthens relationships both in and out of work through building trust and rapport. We have some core needs, us humans. Two of which is to be seen and heard.

The conversation last week got me thinking about how we show people we’re really listening. And it’s a skill, right? As humans we often listen to respond. When someone’s talking to us we’re already forming our responses in our heads – which means guess what? We’re not actually listening. We miss the subtle undertones and nuances in their words and body language. So what can we do to really listen?

1. Be present. What you do when someone’s talking demonstrates their importance to you. When you’re fully present you’re more likely to get what they mean, and if you don’t, you won’t miss this so it gives you the chance to ask questions. To be present we need to:

2. Look at the person who’s talking. When we don’t look at the person who’s talking to us it looks like we’re not listening or paying attention. This leads to people feeling like you don’t really care. Making eye contact doesn’t mean staring into someone’s eyes like you’re trying to read their soul. It just means holding people’s gaze – you can still look away and refocus on them without staring hard. It shows people you’re listening.

3. Summarise and get curious. During a pause, if appropriate it’s a good time to summarise what you’ve heard and understood. Doing this helps you to clarify your understanding and gives the person chance to confirm you’ve understood or correct you if you haven’t. It’s also the prime time to ask questions and be curious. You can’t read someone’s mind so if you aren’t understanding what they’re saying – ask them. This ensures you’re not making assumptions and reduces chance of misunderstandings while showing you’re trying to understand their perspective.

What other techniques do you use to help you listen properly?